My Sexual Abuse Story
So this is a big story for me to share.. I only recently told my husband for the first time ever about a month ago.. but I feel the need to share my full story.
What brought all this was a late night watching tv and being on the internet. Over the past few years I have gotten into conspiracy theories, secret societies, UFOs, aliens, government secrets, and cover ups. As of recent, I have taken a huge interest in secret satanic cult and pedophilia practices by hollywood stars, politicians, and the elite of the world. I have always thought there was something wrong within the the system run by the rich, and the constraints of religion. We all know those rich fucks were up to no good with all that money. The power of the internet and technology has been able to slowly reveal all the dirty details to the world.
I have been keeping tabs on the Harvey Weinstein stories, as well as all the rape and pedophilia that was coming out. Priests in our churches, teachers in our schools, doctors in our hospitals, and yep even in Hollywood. One night I went reading on a Weinstein update, and I ended up finding out about Surviving R Kelly. I was shocked, because I remember hearing about his sex tapes when I was a teen girl but I didn't know all the details, or the new ones surfacing.
So I searched for Surviving R Kelly on amazon prime. I thought I had found it but I actually found "The After Impact" which was a program talking about the documentary that came out and the after effects of it. This still affected me deeply.
I found out how R Kelly took advantage of young teenage girls. Since it wasn’t the full documentary, it only had clips of girls confessing what happened. Details of how he did his manipulation.. and it hit me. I was sexually abused too when I was 14. Here is my story.
One night I was up, trying to sneak a boy into my house. My dad heard me up late talking on my cell and took my phone. Then he went through it. He found messages of the boy talking about getting condoms and planning our hangout. My dad blew his lid. He yelled at me, freaked out, took my phone, grounded me, the whole shabang. I was sooo ashamed and embarrassed. I had sex already before but my dad didn't know that. Him and my mother always pushed no sex til marriage really hard. He even made me do a promise ring ceremony when I was much younger, before I even knew what the hell sex really was.
I couldn't take it. My strict parents drove me crazy, I couldn't do anything, even go to the end of the street to play. They had me in public school, but no after school programs. So of coarse I rebelled, snuck out and what not. When I got caught that night trying to sneak a boy in I knew I was in trouble forever. They would crack down on me harder than they already were and I knew I would go insane. I couldn't stand my life, or myself, I had to leave.
The next day I cleaned my room, made my bed, and wrote a letter. I wrote to my parents I was running away. I packed a bag put it inside a trash bag, and put a bath robe over myself. My mom always slept on the living room couch since she was a nurse and worked the nights, so when I got to the door way my mom said, "Where are you going?" I told her I was simply taking the trash out and she said okay, closed her eyes and nodded back to sleep. I walked out the door took my robe off, slipped it inside the house and dropped it, closed the door quietly and went to the side where the trash cans were, took my bag out of the trash bag and put it on my back. The adventure began.
I started to walk down my street, and the little sister of one of my close friends was walking up the street with her friend. She said hello, I told her I was running away and please not to snitch and tell on me. She was like of course not and actually even gave me twenty bucks cash for my journey. That was a lot of money for a 14 year old at the time, enough for dollar menu items at fast food restaurants so this could help me. Plus, I had a twenty dollar gift card from Christmas but I watched way to many movies and I know you can track card purchases. Good thing I didn’t use it, because true, later on my family told me they tried to track the card.
I didn't even know where to go, so I went to a friends house a few blocks away. My sisters and I used to sneak out to hang with him and other friends, so I was sure he wouldn't mind if I stopped there on my journey. Though, I knew I couldn't stay forever, it wouldn't probably be the first place everyone would look. I asked him for help, so he asked his older brother. His older brother found a friend that would take me in, and he swiftly gave me a ride there.
It was in the same town, in fact close and only ten blocks the other way. I never met this person before, but didn't care I just wanted to be gone, disappear, not exist. He let me crash there for a few hours, we talked a little and he let me lay on his bed and relax, then he offered me to use his shower. I said yes and jumped right in.
That's when he came in the bathroom and shut the door. He sat down on the toilet seat next to the shower and reached in to touch me. I kind of wiggled around and said I just wanted to shower but it didn't matter. He started putting his fingers inside of me and his mouth on my vulva. I was so freaked out and didn't know what to do. I was naked, wet, in the shower. I didn't have my shoes, clothes, and bag to make a run for it. What was I supposed to do? I felt like a tiny frail helpless pile of bones under the force of this grown man in his home. I have no idea how old he was I think in his 20s or 30s at most. He was still way bigger than me, and was ghetto as shit too so I was worried he could of been a hardcore gangster and had guns or knives or something. I have seen way to many movies growing up and I was not about to test what could happen. So I took it.
After that he said I had to go, that he couldn't keep me there. He wasn't to get in trouble for letting a little teenage girl stay at his house, even though he was ready to take advantage of one. So he found friends to take me in. I don't remember who they were exactly I just remember they were the friends and brothers of a popular boy I went to high school with. So I thought hey, maybe I will see him and it wont feel like strangers around. It was two or three of them that walked to come get me. We all walked together to the other side of town, or maybe the next town I don't even know where I went. We got to their house in a common townhouse neighborhood in South Florida, it all looked gravy.
This is where my journey got even more tough. So they gave me the option to stay in the older brothers room because it was the garage downstairs and the parents never went in it supposedly, and the brother was always gone. Well, big brother came home. It was really all a blur that night and the next few days...
But the brother basically gave me an ultimatum. I had to fuck him to stay there. I didn't want to, but again I found myself in a strange position. In a house, the middle of the night, no clue in what neighborhood or what town I was in. This was before google maps and shit. I had strict parents and barely went out and about so I didn't even know my own town streets well. What 14 year old would anyways? So I figured..I might as well stay here and take it, or go out on the street in the middle of the night and possibly get raped or kidnapped out there. Either way, I was fucked.
Not only did he make me have sex with him, after that he made me take his friends too. I remember he left the room, and someone else came in. When he was done another came in. After that two of them came in and took me at once. I remember their penis' were HUGE even for a grown woman, and I was so tiny at that time. It really hurt.
After the last two finished, I remember telling them I was 14. They freaked, panicking saying they thought I was 16 They revealed they were 19 and 20. I promised I wouldn't snitch on them not to worry. I thought all was said and done that night, when I went out to relax on the couch finally, the popular boy I went to school was there now, and he took me too.
The next few days everyone was gone, through the whole day I had to hide in the garage bedroom in the dark. All day. I was so afraid to leave the room to even look for food because I didn't want the parents to find me. I was so hungry and I couldn't take it, I snuck out to the downstairs kitchen and couldn't find anything but apples, so I took one of those.
One of those nights the big brother came home and brought me a shitty little apple pie from mcdonald’s. In fact, I don't even think it was for me, I think it was his and he realized I wanted a snack. It was just not enough, but I didn't care how hungry I was, I wasn't going home.
Eventually they said I had to go, I couldn't stay forever so the parents wouldn't find out. They found another friend to take me in. So they walked me to meet him and they sent me on my way. So now I was with this new person, walking to another part of town I really didn't know at all. It was New Years Eve, when we got to his house there were a bunch of people there. Women, kids, his family and friends. Everyone was doing their own thing. I was given a drink and then he let me use his laptop.
I checked my email, and found a SHIT TON OF EMAILS. It was my family writing to me, I remember I had one email from my dad begging me to come home. That he promised I wouldn't be in trouble.. he would give me whatever I want. Just please come home. I started to get teary eyed, but I still hated him. I hated them all, especially my parents and my cousin I lived with. I felt like everyone was always so mean to me, and because I was weird and different everyone was always on my case about it. I used to cut myself through my middle school years because my cousin I grew up with was sooo hard on me. Now that I am older I know it was because she was hurt knowing she was adopted (and I did not know growing up), I can see now it really made her an angry child, and how it affected her. So I thought of all the shittyness at home, and said nope I don't care what they write to me they are just going to be terrible to me again when I get home.
Shortly after that, is when this new guy gave me an ultimatum. Again, if I wanted refuge I would have to fuck him. I couldn't take anymore, I had my shoes on and bag in hand so I said no. He said fine then you have to leave. He was serious, he really kicked me out of his house.
I walked. I walked for hours and hours. It was after midnight, people were still setting off firecrackers for New Year's so I could hear them going off in the distance. I was crying, scared as shit, and lost as hell. I had nooo clue what the streets were or which way to go. I remember crying because my feet were sore, I was so tired but I had no clue which way to go or where to stop and sleep.
The next part was a blur too, somehow I ran into a guy while walking. I think he may of been one of the guys from the house I stayed at for a few days, or he was a friend of a friend. Somehow we knew the same people or something, and he decided to help me walk back to an area I knew. So we walked together and I found the soccer park by my house. AT LAST ! A familiar place. He was about to leave but then, he took advantage of me too. For "giving me directions" he felt he was entitled to fuck me. I took it because at that point I felt numb, and didn't know what to do or where to go. I remember my best friend's house was literally a block away, I thought of running to her house..but I didn't want to get in trouble or her in trouble. They would certainly snitch and tell my parents they found me.
The guy left, and the sun was coming up. It was a little chilly, and damp with the morning dew. I was so tired I had to sleep, so I laid down on a park bench and took a nap. So scared, hoping no other creeps would find me in the park. I didn't sleep but for an hour or two because I was to scared..this is when I gave up. I wanted to go home, I was traumatized and tired from my trip. So I crossed the street...and was walking through a 7-Eleven parking lot.
I remember an Indian dude pulled up next to me and rolled his window down. He was like your the girl! The girl in the missing picture! I was like yeaaa I am going home now my house is right there. He didn't say anything, he pulled into the 7-eleven, which was FILLED with cop cars. I was like oh shit I got to get out of here. I went to the houses right behind the gas station to hide. The cops came looking for me immediately, that damn snitch. I was almost home!
I remember when the cops would roll down the street I would slowly crawl behind the cars in the opposite angles so they wouldn't catch me. Then I saw it, the opening of the road where the gas station was and where I could run around the corner to get to the next block and be able to run home from there. I held my breath and took the leap. As soon as I went a cop car came around the corner. Fuck! I had no where to run but towards the grass and trees, I went hoping I could find a way out but it led right to a little dead end corner. I gave up sat down in the corner of this wall and fence that met, and put my head down on my knees. I heard the crunching of the grass when the cop walked up to me. They had a flashlight, grabbed me up and took me to their car. They put my bag on top and had me sit on the ground. They pulled everything out, which looked terrible I am sure because it was a bunch of thongs and dresses. They were searching for my middle school I.D. I told them that was in there.
It wasn't long before my family showed up. I remember them flying out of their cars and lunging towards me. Making a pile on top of me crying and holding me . They were so happy I was alive, so grateful to take me home. Apparently they made missing fliers for me and were posting them everywhere. I had family all over south FL so when I say everywhere, I mean from West Palm Beach down to Miami. This would haunt me for years as when I went to high school I was "that girl that ran away."
My mom tried to take me to a doctor to check if I was raped, I fought against her. I knew she was friends with the doctor, she was a pediatric nurse and I knew it was her way of trying to find out if I had lost my virginity or not. I told her to leave my body alone, leave my shit alone lady. She was always creating conspiracy theories around my cousin and I with boys.
After that I don't remember getting back to normal in my life. I do remember my family telling me how they all looked for me. Put missing fliers all over South Fl from West Palm to Miami. How they watched the news for stories about dead girls being found hoping it wasn't me. About going to the mall to meet a girl with the same name as me who was selling drugs checking to see if it were me. How they all slept at my parents house for days while they all searched together.
That is when I saw how much my family loved me. And my family friends on that block that I grew up with. Everyone missed me so much, and was SO worried. My mom apparently wore a shirt with my baby picture on it the whole time I was gone, and my dad wore my pink bath robe I threw off by the front door before I ran away because it was the last thing I touched.
So yea, after watching Surviving R Kelly, it brought all those memories back up. It made me realize yes I was ...raped. I always thought oh if you don't punch and fight your way out then it’s not rape. All those years of my life I lived with that huge secret, I always was ashamed and thought it was my fault. That I was a slut.
Seeing the program made me realize, it wasn't my fault. It was trying to survive. I felt at that time I had no other way. Regardless, it wasn't right for those men to fuck a little girl.
The next morning my heart pounded, I had just realized I was raped as a kid, and I never told anyone before. I knew I could tell my husband anything, so I sat him down and told him. We both cried, he said how sorry he was that happened to me, and held me tight.
It felt SO good to tell someone, I wasn't holding the pain alone. I let it go and released it, I let the shame and guilt go. I realized it wasn't me all along.
Coming out about this was only a month ago, so even though it happened 12 years ago the raw wound was open and I just realized the abuse. So it felt like it just happened. I was sensitive for the first few days and just ran through the emotions, and processed this realization.
I have never even told my family, and I know they will find out through this blog. It's okay though, because everyone will find out. And I hope it helps people. I know I could of just told my husband and that was it, but I knew if I shared my story, maybe I could help other abuse victims to have the strength to come out, just like the documentary program that gave me strength.
I never used these experiences to hold me back. I was still sexually active through high school and the rest of my life. I didn't have a weird complex, or become rigid during sex. I set myself free with my experiences after that by erasing the bad memories with new good ones.
I also didn't let the experience let me become racist. All of the men in this story were black men. That didn't jolt me though, I still dated black guys exclusively all through high school. I knew just because a few were bad, it didn't make them all bad. I knew color and skin didn't make those men bad, it was their fucked up minds.
So I want to encourage others to relieve themselves of their sexual abuse stories, don't let it hold you back from enjoying life. I didn't let it keep me from the joy of sex in my life. I didn't let it make me become a man hater and assume all men were bad. I didn't let me become a racist and hate all black people.. I did none of that.
I went on living life. Because that is what you have to do. Life is so short, and I was determined to still live a great one. These experiences although negative, have also effected me in a positive way. It has taught me now how to say no when I want, how sacred my body is, and how to rise above.
We all have been though tough moments in our lives, but were not alone. It feels that way, but if we focus on being one big earth family and just unconditionally loving and forgiving each other, this world can be a much better place.
That is my story, but it is not who I am. Now I am a mother, wife, artist, and entrepreneur. I am alive, and strong. I AM WOMAN.