The Life of a Mother, Wife, & Companion
I want to start off by saying thank you to everyone that read my first blog. I know it was a powerful one to start with but why not start with a bang? I did a Twitter poll and asked what everyone would love to see me write about next. Well, you guys and gals want to get right down to the nitty gritty. The inside of my life.
Boys, Boys, Boys.. that is my world. My son, my husband, and my suitors. What?! Seems shocking to people when they look at me physically to believe that I have given birth. (Yes a completely all natural, drug free, vaginal birth, with NO tearing!) Then it is harder to believe for some that I am a married woman, being an escort. The masculine energy is very strong in my life. I am all about the sisterhood, and I have tried to connect with women in my life but they tend to act weird, jealous, or insecure around me. As I try my best to uplift other women, I refuse to let myself sit in negative energy so I avoid it all together. (Hence why I don’t book couples.)
I will admit, all my roles are very giving. My life is non stop. Not only am I trying to build an empire with my cosplay modeling for my day job, constantly doing social media, content editing, website updating, and pushing my brand, I am also a feminine figure that many men (& one little boy) depend on and look up to.
I got pregnant and gave birth when I was 20 years old. Pretty young, I thought I was a full grown woman by then…imagine I have been through so much already it felt that way.. but I was pretty damn young. I remember the day I got pregnant, my husband’s band mate was giving birth. I remember being so nauseous we couldn’t go. I don’t get sick often so I did have that pregnancy paranoia, but I thought there was no way we always pull out so whatever. We decided to go for a walk in a park by our friend’s house in Miami we had never been before. It was called something cool like The Magical Forest, I don’t remember exactly but there were twisted trees and spanish moss everywhere. We were walking and I felt like shit, I almost felt like puking so I stopped and squatted. I was dizzy but no puke came up just the sick feeling, I closed my eyes and nodded my head down towards the ground and just breathed. Right in that moment I prayed to Gurufinda (God of the forest in the African spirituality I was getting into) and I asked him silently to myself in my mind… I said “Ohhhh Gurufinda please help me I feel sick, please soothe me right now with your forest trees.. and if I am pregnant please show me a sign, send me a blue jay.” In the next second I swear my husband said, “Babe, look look! A blue jay!” My heart dropped. I popped right up on my two feet, I didn’t even look for the bird. I looked him straight in the eyes and said don’t play with me. He was confused, I loved birds, especially blue jays I always collect their feathers and he was just telling me he saw it land super close to me. I told him I had just prayed in my head to Gurufinda to show me a blue jay if I was pregnant. He smiled and said “No waayyy!” We both are witches and love to get signs, but we decided to finish our walk and find out for real later.
We drove home, and there was some silence. My husband started to tell me we should get a test and asked if I wanted to take one. He reminded me of our last love making session the night before and how he mentioned my boobs felt bigger but I told him my period must be coming. He kept stating how my tits were abnormally larger than usual, he had never seen them get that full from my period. So we went home to our little apartment that was two blocks from the ocean in North Miami Beach, he put me in bed and went around the corner to Walgreens to get a test. He came back…I peed on the stick. It came out positive I was pregnant.
We were both in shock, and almost in denial. I insisted we go get another test , because sometimes they are wrong. It was like a movie when we walked back to Walgreens, all the magazines everywhere were all about celebrity pregnancies. It was like God saying its baby time, and being silly about it too. We walked home and I took the second test. I was definitely pregnant.
He was scared, not for the baby because we all know he was happy as hell to knock me up. But for me, he knew I was so young and we were only dating for a little over a year and this happened. My whole life I always wanted to be baby free til my later years, but for some reason in this moment my first thought, was happiness. I was happy to be pregnant, I loved my boyfriend and was happy he was the father. Something in me switched like a schizophrenic bitch and I was so excited to be pregnant! I told him I was super happy, and no I didn’t believe in an abortion (at least not for a consensual situation like that.) I was proudly going to be responsible for the result of my sexual activity with my partner and have that baby regardless if I wasn’t ready to have one yet or not or my age, or whatever other excuse anyone could come up with. The mama bear in me was suddenly standing tall within my soul, and I was ready to take on my new journey to motherhood.
So I barely had much time of my own in my life to figure out who I was, what I wanted to do in life, etc. before I was given the role of a mother. Since the moment I got pregnant that was it, my life was now dedicated two those two dudes. My son, and my partner. I did yoga, changed my diet completely, and got in touch with my soul so I could have a good pregnancy and birth. It was like training for a big marathon, the big day really. I will save my birth story for another time because that is one of its own. But I gave all natural birth, and then I breastfed for THREE whole years. The first couple were for optimal health but the last year was more for the relationship. It was really hard for me to take the boob away from the baby, even when I was sick of it even I wanted to hold my baby and breastfeed him. So I basically did it until I decided I wanted a boob job to recover the stretched out skin and I had to stop lactating in order to do the procedure.
Even getting an RV, selling everything I had, leaving all my family/friends behind, and moving to North Carolina was for my son. My whole life changed for him, all my decisions were for him. I wanted to give him the best life possible and Miami was way to dangerous. I never vaccinated him and still haven’t to this day, nor did I circumcise him. He was my precious little baby, I didn’t want any doctors putting their weird experimental chemicals inside of him, nor touching his perfect god-given penis. It was made that way for a reason why fuck with it?
When I started my cosplay cam business, as much as that was for me and my passion the real reason I did it was for my son as well. I didn’t have a degree and get to go to college, neither did my partner. He took the life of a musician and quit college when his band got signed, and did bartending when he was off touring. So we didn’t want to be stuck bartending and serving the rest of our lives, living in shitty rentals, and never own our own home for our son. We saw it as a chance for us to build a brand, make it blow up, become super successful and abundant, so we could buy our dream house/farm and build a beautiful home and family. So as hard as cam modeling, cosplay, and just modeling in general is..I have wanted to give up a lot but I know that I couldn’t because it was the one and only way I saw in my mind that we could be successful, happy, and give our son an outstanding life.
So to this day I live for my son, and he lives for me. He is like my Mini Me (Dr.Evil from Austin
Powers reference) because he looks JUST like me. We are best friends, and he is completely obsessed with me. Which he better be, I breastfed his little punk ass for three years! Even my recent tarot reading in Salem, I pulled all the cards but when my reader went to read them, one of them he put it down, smiled, and said “You’re son loves you so much, and he thinks you are the prettiest mommy in the whole world.” It was so true, my son is super attached to me and allllways get sick when I am gone for longer than a few days, always needs to lay next to me to calm down enough to fall asleep, and is UP MY ASS 24 fuckin 7 when I am at home. Hahaha, but he is the one I give my energy to most. My life is non stop because of him, in the best of ways. But as soon as I walk in the door its play time, or let’s read a book, or play video games together. He keeps me BUSY.
Now my other main man is my husband. He has been there for me since the beginning, as you read in my last blog. Since our first official date together we have lived with each other since that night. We have had each other’s back over the years through all sorts of trials may they of been personal, or with family, or friends. Shortly after we started dating his band had just started to practice again in their studio after a long hiatus from the bass player getting sick and almost dying. His band mate was Brazilian and went to visit family, and apparently took an aspirin in which they have some ingredient that is illegal over here in the US, and for a good reason. This band mate got so sick & almost died, so when I got into the picture he was just getting better again finally. So at that point it wasn’t the same and my husband was really upset he couldn’t get the guys together they always had excuses. They even started doing hired sessions for a cover band that needed them for some shows, and my husband was pissed because they wouldn’t even do their own practices. It was emotionally exhausting for him, so I was the one to distract him and keep him strong during that time. I mean a hot little young blondie would do the trick right?
My partner had been through many things in his life, several ups and downs in the music industry, friends dying in front of him, friends dying in his arms. He was 39 when I met him, much older than me so he had already been through a lifetime of experiences. As we met I dedicated myself to healing him since he was helping to heal me. As time passed, everyone in the band got pregnant. Like I mentioned earlier the day I found out his band mate was giving birth I found out I was pregnant, and months after I found out another band mate got pregnant. Once we had ours, and moved up to NC in the RV I had to really be there for him because that was it. The official moment he realized his band was really over, the most successful band he had been in the one where he toured Holland and was the lead singer. To this day he still suffers sometimes, I mean who wouldn’t when you rocked the stage your whollleee life, over 20 years and suddenly its over and you have no backup career to fall back on. He felt really upset becoming a father and husband and not having a “degree” or “house” to provide. I told him I didn’t give a shit either because I had nothing to provide myself! I am totally not into the sexist roles of male and female and who has to provide what, I was ready to except the responsibility together. I never put expectations on him. Though while I was pregnant he did tell me to quit my job so he could work and I could relax. Maybe he wasn’t rich but he always provided a home, food, comfort, and love…that was all I needed really.
After moving up to NC, we worked at a bed and breakfast for his old band photographer who ended up being a major asshole, overworking my husband, not paying him for the first whole year because it was a ‘work trade’ for a RV hookup on his property but he totally took advantage and abused my husband. I was always upset and wanted to leave but we were broke and couldn’t afford the campgrounds, and he felt bad to leave an old friend with no help with his busy B&B business and his pregnant wife. So he did the sweet thing and prevailed, so I supported him through all that. It was so tough on his soul cooking breakfast and scrubbing toilets after being a rockstar. I would wear the baby in a carrier and make all the beds and help clean the rooms to help him get done with work faster so we could be together and chill sooner.
Later after that phase, within the next year his mom had a stroke. She couldn’t talk anymore, and that was hard. His mom was always a chatty woman with pride who held her head up high, my husband was the youngest of three boys and in love with his mother. Even when the whole family pushed him to do police academy since everyone in his family was in law enforcement, his mother was the one who sat him down and said, “Don’t do that shit. You know you won’t be happy. Go do music, be with your band.” Not many moms would say that. We lived up in NC which made it even harder to rarely visit his mom and see her like a vegetable in the hospital. A year after her stroke she passed away. This devastated him.
So for the past few years I have been by his side, supporting him after his mother’s death. A big blow to his life. The first year was constant sadness, although relief to see her not stuck in her body anymore trying to talk to us but unable to. But it took a while for him to finally get some of his soul back. It has taken a lot of energy out of me over the years supporting him emotionally through this. I have never been through a family death (besides my uncle, which i later at 18 found out was my birth father but i didn’t know him anyways so it didn’t feel like a big loss) so I had no way to relate, especially losing a parent. To this day I still help him light candles by his mothers picture, and I hold him tight when he says he misses his mom.
Even though he focuses on me a lot, and my cosplay business I have wanted to give him support as well. When my cam show finally made extra money I bought him a mac computer, and recording equipment so he could start making music on his own regardless of his old band mates. I to this day push him to still chase his musical goals regardless of him being 45, life isn’t over and I want him happy. He has been able to use the tools to create his own songs, he doesn’t have much time to because he is a dedicated daddy now…but late this summer he has a song that is signed and going to be released! I also invested in a professional camera upgrade for our content business, lights, camera mic, a gimbal, backdrop stands etc etc so that way he can grow as a photographer too. He has felt so lost without music I want to show him he is an amazing artist and can be successful in a lot more things in his life!
To this day a lot of my time is dedicated to him. Especially since my kid is always up my ass my husband misses alone time with me a lot because we have NO family around and nobody to baby sit. So I always have to try to play with the kid for a bit, then try to go cuddle with the husband. It is back and forth, my husband loves to be babied, especially since his mom died he just wants me to baby and love on him extra because his heart is always hurting in some way a little bit.
Since I started companionship, I have had to be extra careful with him. His feelings an emotions… he would get very jealous at first because he didn’t want to share me to begin with. Though, I cheated a few times back in the day after his mom had a stroke and before her death. I told him right after I did it. He forgave me, and had a big hole in his heart because at that time he thought he was losing his wife and his mom. So this year when I presented my desire for companionship it was really hard for him to open up like that. To put his faith in me that I would be honest and open with him if I did this, and that I wouldn’t fall in love and leave him. He is also older, from a different generation, raised by old school catholic cubans..so he was tuned to think very possessive and monogamous. He was never THAT possessive of me, I did nude modeling, wore whatever clothes I want, and what not…but sexually? Sharing me? That was always out of his mind, he was so into me he never even wanted a threesome with another woman, even when I mentioned I wanted it. He was not a sexually adventurous person like how I was.. so starting this companionship journey has been hard work for me. For a lot of women are single , have no kids, nobody to answer to and they can do what they want. But I have to walk on thin ice and make sure that I am keeping a balance, even having my sexual freedom which is SO important to me has not been easy because I have a family to answer to.
Now, I have my suitors.. when I first started this I didn’t think much. When I did escorting back in the day someone else always handled my gigs so I never stayed in touch personally with my “clients”…There were no strong connections. I was a super nomad back then too so I never got close to anyone constantly disappearing and starting over. But doing this independently has been very different. I run my own website, do my own screenings, answer my own emails, everything. It is a WHOLE other second business I run aside from my cosplay one, and something else I have to tend to besides my husband and son.
At first I had two phones but it drove me crazy so I just put my proton mail app on my personal phone and bought a phone number app too so I could have it all on one phone. My summer has consisted of answering a TON of emails, a ton of questions, constantly looking up cities, distances, uber costs, plane tickets, hotel and airbnb costs. It is constant travel planning.. and then the dates…
I hoped a few loaded fellas would adore me and just rebook me over and over so I would just see the same few people. Which is the case mostly but I still have time to meet new people sometimes, and I will never book two people in the same day, less likely in days back to back from each other… but I did meet new ones when ever I had a chance. It has been really amazing so far. I’ve flown to amazing cities, gotten to soak in hot tubs on mountain tops with beautiful views, and meet different and interesting people who have unique life experiences and stories to share with me.
I never expected how deep it would get though. I didn’t realize how much I could affect people just by talking to them, being with them, kissing them, showing them my love and affection. I have seen myself heal the hearts of men who have been neglected or sexually shamed by women in their lives. Or just seeing people open up themselves, and their sexualities because of ME. It makes my eyes misty, and my heart flutter just the thought of it, because it is so beautiful to me. For some reason I see the best in people before I see the worst, and I show that to people. So when someone tells me they are happy because they hadn’t felt noticed, appreciated, or truly desired in so long until I came into their life it makes me happy!
I can see it in their eyes, the excitement and amazement of seeing me being this sexual, passionate young woman, truly enjoying herself in the moment with a man regardless of his age, religion, marital status or race. I can see them open up because I open up. I share myself, and my pure love and desire for pleasure in life. I love to do it. I love to be free, nude, and uninhibited. I just don’t know why it is SO important to me. Even my mom calls me her ‘hippie nudist daughter in the mountains’ haha. It is apart of who I am, and what I strongly believe in. I think men, especially older men from an older time, but all men love to see a confident woman who is proud of her sexuality. With religions and society always holding us back, I feel the need to fight against that, break the rules, and be the wild woman many are afraid to be. With that I know I teach people to be more free themselves, and to be themselves.
That being said, yes a good amount of men have been falling in love with me. Which is fine, my ego absolutely loves it. I truly crave connection, (and it makes the sex better anyways) so it makes it feel like doing this work is so much more worth it when love is involved. It has not been easy though. There are several gents I have fallen for myself, that I care for, and I see them in my lives forever. Regardless of our paths and how they may change, these people are part of my soul pack and I intend to keep these friendships the rest of my life.
They have shown me beautiful things about life, and about myself that I couldn’t see. They have also nurtured me to grow into a stronger woman, especially in such a raw and transformative time in my life. My suitors are my teachers, my lovers, and my friends. I will cherish these men forever, til the day I die.
It isn’t all peaches and cream though. Getting closer, caring about other emotions, because I do, and these are real people with real feelings, and takes energy to uphold these deeper relationships as well. Trying to keep up with the complex conversations over text, calls, and emails in between dates, making sure to be delicate with their feelings. It has been a tiring tug of war of emotions between my husband, suitors, and son. Everyone wants my love and attention, and I feel like I want to mother them all. I want to be the one they come to for advice, and nurturing when they need. Then, I have those who want to keep me. I mean who wouldn’t? Can I have ONE cocky moment? I know I am this incredibly open minded person, that aside from sex I am genuinely fun and relaxing to be around. People feel like they can be who they really are around me, who wouldn’t want someone like that in their lives all the time?
Physically its hard too, sharing my body with several partners. Always trying to be careful not get get any marks, so that way my husband isn’t thinking of my suitors when he holds my body. Or that my suitors aren’t thinking of my husband when they hold my body. Trying to be constantly aware of my hygiene, being careful and ALWAYS using condoms out of respect for my my own body and my husband’s so I don’t bring anything home and get him sick from my own selfish desire for sexual freedom. Trying to always look like a perfect goddess, keeping my roots of my hair bleached, or trying to stay shaved and smooth (while trying not to shave to often because I hate how razor bumps looks.) Making sure to always shower after my dates and fingering myself with water after dates to rinse the condom lubicrant from out of my sweet pussy so I don’t gross my husband out with that rubber scent we all hate. He has never said anything but I think this is something every working girl worries about . I usually have days or weeks in between dates, but everyday I do go home to my partner and I still want to take care of myself for me and for him. Always fixing my hair and makeup before I go home too, even though he knows what I am doing I just don’t want to bring the energy of my dates home with me and shove it in his face. It’s a delicate dance tending to the emotional and physical aspects of companionship as a wife.
It is also hard when everyone wants to be the number one in my life. My husband gets jealous of my suitors, then they get jealous of each other and of him. Everyone sees the status’ and pics I post on my adventures, and is checking on the status of my new relationships. People notice when I see the same gentleman often, or if I mentioned I had some sort of unique special experience with one. They will say they want to be the most memorable, or my favorite, or #1. I have to constantly coddle everyone’s emotions and egos. It’s very nerve wrecking trying to keep everyone happy all the time and assure them that we have our own unique relationships and each is separate and special in their own way, and to make sure I don’t upset anyone..make them feel insignificant, or undervalued. Men are very competitive creatures I have come to realize, it’s a primal thing.
So its hard being me. LOL, My life is non stop running several business, and several types of relationships. I appreciate them all SO much, and it fills up my heart and soul so much.. it’s what I have been wanting for years. I finally got my cake and I am eating it too. It is super difficult though having a heart so big, it is quite a heavy hold. My mind is always running, always worrying, always doubting, always wishing, always dreaming, always contemplating, always creating, and always debating. I am always thinking of how I can be the best wife, best mommy, best mistress, best girlfriend, and best friend. I am constantly giving myself away to others. Definitely a labor of love.
This is a reason why I have higher rates, even with them at what they are I’m super busy. If they were any lower I just couldn’t do it. I barely have the time to run to the salon to get my nails done or go shopping (I rarely end up getting to shop and grab quick dresses ad outfits at Walmart and Target when I get groceries for the fam), I dedicate all my time to my modeling goals, companionship lifestyle, and being a family woman. I want to show the world, that as a woman I CAN do whatever I want. That no religion or man controls my body or my heart, that I can be a successful entrepreneur and business woman as well as lead many intricate relationships in my life. That love can be free and open, that I have so much of it I want to share it with more people. That we as humans need to learn to love and connect more. So me being a companion, I feel I can do that. Sometimes I feel like a nobody that came from nothing, that my cosplay and cam work is insignificant, who cares there is tons of porn online! But when I became a companion, it was not easy to, but adding all new relationships to my life and seeing how much I could change other lives, it made me feel like I was doing something REAL on this earth. Something sacred, and true. Shit, back in the day prostitutes were SACRED. They were respected, as healers and preistess’ who connected men to God. That is what I see myself as, and I hope my guys see that too.
It is not easy living an open lifestyle, and doing it with love the way I do, but it has made my life so much more rich because of it. The path may be rocky, but oh, the nectar in the flowers along it are so sweet.
Til next time… xoxo
P.S. Not many tip me exrta because my rates are high but there a few who do tip extra, or get my gifts off my wish list, or send a random ‘I’m thinking of you donation” or get me a massage or pays for my nails, its REALLY means a lot. To get spoiled outside of my work, not having to do something for the money, when people just simply gift me extra just because and to make me do something for ME and no one else’s benefit it means a lot because I often don’t slow down enough to spoil myself. I am way to busy spoiling others. So I want to thank those who recognize my non stop efforts, and appreciate all that I do. So thank you for seeing me.